My Story of Belle's Last Days With Us...Goodbye, Sweet Friend

Life has been busy.  I haven't blogged in the past month but I didn't want to pass on sharing my thoughts and heart on the recent passing of our little dog, Belle.  I want to "pen" my heart while it is fresh if only for myself to remember...

This is the story of my little Belle.  We had never chose to have Belle spayed.  She began her cycle and it seemed worse to me than normal.  Little did I know, that wasn't the underlying problem.  With this cycle being different, I decided to see if spaying was still an option for her.  And then she wouldn't have to deal with this issue anymore.  I set an appt. for Monday for her.

Monday, I dropped her off at 8 am.  When they checked her in, they noticed some pus discharge and the staff was pretty sure she had pyometra.  Which was an infection of the uterus.  They said they would have to do the surgery right away.  I, of course, consented.  I was grateful that for whatever reason I was impressed to spay her...I had acted on it.  It was the reason we found out about the pyometra.

Then I received a second call and it was the vet saying that the blood work they did showed signs of liver disease.  They didn't have much to go on at the point but wanted to let me know.

I worried.  I cried.  What did liver disease mean for my baby?  At 4 pm, I picked her up and they seemed positive.  The surgery went well and they gave me instructions for her recovery.  I felt positive.  We had found the infection and removed it.  Thank you, Jesus!  I set an appointment to go two weeks from that day to have her blood work checked again regarding the possible liver disease.  

The rest of Monday, she was so out of it.  Coming off the anesthesia, weak and tired out.  

I gave her a pain dose Monday evening about 10 pm.  Tuesday, she was a little perkier.  Still slept a lot, rested.  No appetite.  Drank a lot of water.  Had some trouble walking.  She walked almost sideways at times.  Lack of control of being able to walk.  Poor baby.

Wednesday, she was still off.  Slept quite a bit.  Never asked to sit on my lap like normal.  Just slept on the carpet by my feet.  We got ready for church and I realized I didn't give her her morning pain med.  She never complained - whimpered or whined.  So at 4 pm, I gave her a dose and about 5:30 pm, we left for Wednesday church activities.

When we got home about 8:30 pm, she was at the top of the stairs.  The girls immediately called for me saying something was wrong.  Her body was having these tremors - it was jerking.  It made me so sad and I took her in my arms and just held and soothed her.  I didn't even move from the top step.  I just held her and sat there.  It seemed to help and her body calmed.  I remember just wanting to take it all away for her as I sat there on that step.

She had also had an accident while we were gone.  The stool was almost sticky thick and very dark.

That night, I put her on my bed as normal to go to sleep with us.  Around midnight, she woke up and seemed to want to get off the bed.  I helped her off and took her outside to go the to bathroom but she didn't seem to know what to do.  When I took her back inside, she drank a lot of water.  She was so thirsty.  We lay back down on the bed and she immediately wanted to get back down.  I took her down and she went to the corner and started scratching.  I knew she was going to throw up and I tried to pick her up quickly and get off her but we didn't make it out.  I cleaned up the vomit which was mainly just water at that point.  She wasn't eating.  I decided to spend the night on the couch with her because I could watch her better.  

We lay down.  She was lying on me, kept readjusting but seemed warm and comfortable.  Her little body would have those little movements, tremors.  After awhile, she wanted to get off the couch.  She wandered.  She was having even more trouble than ever walking.  Her legs were just giving out on her.  She seemed disoriented.  She drank another round of water.  Which she vomited again about 3:15 am.  Poor baby.  My heart was hurting so much.  I would take her and hold her and comfort her as much as she would let me.

Around 6 am, the tremors started again.  She was lying beside me on the couch.  I tried to calm her.  At 6:15 am, she had a full on seizure.  Her little body was shaking.  It was so scary, so difficult.  It wracked her little, sweet body.  I knew something was very wrong.

As soon as her vet opened, I called.  They said to bring her in.  I left sweet Belle with Autumn so I could get ready quickly.  As I was getting her to go, she had began the tremors again.  I felt a horrible urgency seeing those tremors start again.  I wrapped her in a blanket and laid her on the passenger seat.  She just lay there...those tremors.  I tried to pet her and calm her as I drove.  She was getting worse.  I could sense it.  It was awful...horrible.  Being utterly helpless.

Then, she had another full seizure.  Right there in the passenger seat as I drove.  As it finally finished...I started crying.  Talking to her to hang on.  I had my hand on her petting her.  Her little body when it stopped shaking seemed to take a breath as if she was thankful that was over.  

I didn't know it at the time but I'm so glad seizures don't hurt the animal.  They are so scary to watch but I'm grateful she wasn't in pain.

I immediately called my sister crying...Please pray for my Belle.  She just had another seizure.  I was almost hysterical.  I was so scared.  So scared.  I hung up.

Then I suddenly felt that feeling.  Watch to make sure she keeps breathing.  I don't know why...I think I just knew it.  I kept looking over...kept feeling for her little chest to rise and fall with the breath that meant life.  

Then I couldn't see her breathing.  I said, No...Belle.  Belle!  I reached over and lifted her little head to be able to see her face.  I almost screamed.  Her eyes were wide open.  She was gone.

I can barely even write this.  It is to relive it.  The pain.  It is still so fresh.  Tears just pour down my face with just these thoughts.

8:53 am.  Thursday, February 20, 2020.  When my Belle left this earth.

I called my husband...She's gone!  She had a seizure.  She is gone.  My wailing filled the vehicle.

I did go to the vet as I was almost there.  I saw the vet and begged for some answers as I held her lifeless little body in my arms.  What happened?

Perhaps the pyometra had gone septic before they had removed it.  I don't know how long she had the infection.  I don't know how long it had been putting poison in her little body.
Perhaps it was liver disease - many of the symptoms she had could have lent to that.  Liver disease will cause seizures.  Perhaps her liver disease had truly reached the end of its journey.
  Perhaps she had a blood clot on the brain which is also related to liver disease and it caused seizures and took her life.  
We don't know.  And we could never get her back.  She is gone forever.

I left the vet carrying my sweet baby still in the blanket.  As I sat in the parking lot, I called my sister.  I called my mom.  "She had a seizure.  She is gone."  I cried.  And cried.

I pulled up to the house and texted Eric to gather the girls in the kitchen.  I walked in with Belle and had to tell those girls that their pet was gone.  What a horrible, horrible day.

I sat there holding my baby in her blanket.  I let the girls take a turn holding her too.  Poor Addie had to leave for work and asked if we could wait to bury her until she got home.

My husband prepared a place in the back yard.  I just sat and held her.  Petted her head.  I know she was gone.  But I knew to say goodbye to her body was so final.  So forever.  I couldn't bear the thought of that just yet.  So I held her.  And held her.  We sat on the love seat in the sunshine...the sunshine that she so loved...and she had her last moments in the sunshine with us.

The girls and I all wrote a goodbye letter to Belle.  I found a box to use for her little coffin.  Finally, about 3:30 pm, I laid her in her little coffin.  

Just setting her in her box set us all off...it was the first step of saying goodbye.  We placed our goodbye letters on top of her blanket with her.  Then Eric said, It is ready.  

We all said goodbye and gave her a final kiss on her head.  And then I tucked in the blanket over her and around her and shut the lid.  God, that was so hard.  Please help us.

I carried her out to the grave site.  

We all said goodbye as we lay a flower on top of her little box.  

We all joined hands circling her grave and Eric prayed.  Thank you for giving us pets who truly show us how to love.  And she surely did.  Then we each put a shovelful of dirt into the grave and watched as Eric finished filling it.

It was one of the hardest days of my life.  Just looking into the backyard the rest of the day caused the tears to flow.  When I went to bed, there was no Belle to sleep on my bed.  It was so lonely.  I cried myself to sleep.

Friday morning, I woke with a terrible migraine.  I knew right away it was already past the point of help.  I took 2,000 mg of pain killers and it barely helped.  I vomited twice.  And I couldn't stop crying.  No Belle to sit with me as I read my Bible like every other morning.  Always sitting by my side cuddled up.

At 6:15 am, I bawled.  I was at the very spot where she had her first seizure with me.  Even worse thinking of it knowing what the outcome had turned out to be...there was no hope today at 6:15 am.  Just remorse.

I sat and clutched her little purple vest and her collar that was hers.  I just needed something tangible to hold.  It wasn't her.  But it was a reminder...something that I could touch and feel when she was gone.  Forever gone.

I went out to her grave around 8:50 am...I wanted to be close to her at the 24 hour mark of her passing.  8:53 am Friday, I wept as my hand was on the now dirt on top of her lifeless body as I knelt in our backyard.

Even though it was so hard seeing her in the state she was, I am forever grateful to have had the privilege to take care of her all night on her last night of life. Thank you, Jesus for letting me care for her on her last moments and being with her as she left this earth. It is one I will never forget.  

I would do it over and over and over again.  I hope she felt love and care as I held her little body through the night.  And now that she is gone, I would rather deal with all the work and messes for the rest of my life and have her here than have her gone.

Belle, thank you for a wonderful ten years of being a dear and loyal and sweet pet.  Thank you for being a special member of the Tastet family.  You will be missed every day and in so many, many moments in those every days.  

Everything reminds me of you, sweet Belle.  Everything.  

That's my story.  It is fresh, raw and emotional.  And I never want to forget it.
Goodbye my sweet friend.