Being in the ministry is tricky. It is a mix of trying to exemplify the leadership example while all the while trying to be real. For instance, in trying to write this blog post...I am scrambling for exactly the right words to say and the perfect way to say them. What is going to be OK to say...what may someone take the wrong way...what could be misconstrued? Yikes!!! I seriously feel like that crazy mad scientist with the crazy hair trying all these concoctions hoping to find that right one.
I'm scared I will share "too much" and someone will think the wrong thing. I'm afraid I will say something that someone may take personal and think I am talking about them. I told my husband...I want to share personal struggles as a pastor's wife...things that I know someone else is struggling with and that if they read my struggle, they could gain strength and hope and comfort...but I feel that you almost have to be an ex-pastor's wife before it is OK to do that. There is almost too many "ifs" involved to do so safely.
So, do I go through my life, clammed up because I'm afraid? Do I forego any opportunity to influence or help because of fear? I could. I have. But I don't want to.
I have worked as a in-home caregiver with a company called Senior Helpers for the last four years. What does it do to you if I said..."There are things about being a caregiver I don't like." You would probably think, "That's normal. Everyone has something or some things that they don't like about their job. It's just the nature of the beast." And I would agree with you. That probably wouldn't rock your world or even upset you at all.
What if I then said, "There are things about being a pastor's wife I don't like." GASP! Someone would think, "Is it me she doesn't like?" "Does she not like people?" "Where is her joy? How can you be a Christian in ministry and not like it?"
Good grief. Give me a break. This is what I have been talking about. Afraid to be real. Afraid to be a normal human being. With discouragements, defeatedness and down times.
In EVERY aspect of my life, there are things I don't like. Heck, let's put it down on the bottom shelf. There are things that annoy me about my husband. And I KNOW there are things that annoy him about me. We have been married 15 years. It ain't no honeymoon, sister, after 15 years. It's stinkin' hard work and tears at times. But I haven't quit. There are hard days, really hard days. But he hasn't quit. By God's grace, we will make it. Just because it is hard and you don't like it at times...it doesn't mean squat.
It's time we start being real about us. About our lives. Why is it that you can hear about someone getting divorced after 25, 30 or 40 years of marriage and you think...what??? I never saw that coming. They hid it well. I'm not saying to air your dirty laundry for everyone to know about. But maybe, just maybe, if you would stop putting on the fake smile and blogging how perfect your life is...maybe if you would come out and admit, man, I got some problems! Help! Maybe, things that are broken could be fixed instead of falling apart.
Most of the time, I do post positive...good...the happy times. I know you don't want to read about all my depressing blah-ness! But, sometimes, it is so needed to be real. So needed to be honest. So needed to show the crap in your life.
And sometimes, you have no clue what it is...but you feel it. Last night, I drove down to a little nature path close to my house. I was so down. So defeated. So discouraged. I wanted to quit. Yep, you read it right. I sat on the bench on that path and cried uncontrollably. I prayed out loud to God for Him...to be honest, I had no words to pray. I didn't know what to ask for. I begged Him for help.
I turned on the song..."It is well...with my soul...here's my heart...make it whole." As that song played, I lifted up my hand to the sky...worshipping my Savior. I couldn't pray but I think God knew what I was asking when I lifted my hand to Him. Make my heart whole.
Broken. And it was OK.
Broken. And it was OK.
So friend, I'm going to end this because if I reread it any more times...trying to come up with the perfect ending...I probably will be a chicken and not post this for fear that someone will be offended. :) Let's be real. I love you.
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